How to get your teenager to take responsibility, be happy, and be motivated
I am not a parenting expert. Not by a long stretch. I am however, the mother of a 16-year-old boy who I love a lot. Everything I say below is lessons I learnt from my own mistakes over the last few years.
As parents, we all want our children to be responsible, motivated to succeed, respectful and above all happy. We love them. We worry for them. We try to be involved and help them. However, sometimes our efforts to be a good parent backfire and our most well-intentioned efforts push our children to be the opposite of what we want.
When my son started high school, I was nervous. I did not grow up in the United States. I did not know about high school courses, extracurriculars, volunteering, standardized tests, AP exams, GPA and college applications. I just knew from the media, friends and neighbors how important all of this was to get into a good college. Now, I am not one of those incredibly motivated parents whose goal in life is to get their child into a highly selective college. I truly believe that there are a lot of good colleges and it does not matter what college they attend for under graduation as long as they develop the qualities that will serve them well in life.
I wanted to be a good mom so I stayed involved. I attended all information sessions offered by the school. Discussed my son’s high school course selection. Encouraged him to start identifying his extracurricular interests early. I checked his grades regularly and reminded him when I saw a missing assignment bringing down his grades. I offered to help quiz him before a big test. If he did not do well, talked to him and gave him pointers on how to study more thoroughly next time. I encouraged him to take breaks, have fun with friends and listened to him talk about any academic or social issues.
And yet there were times I sensed anger and resentment in my son. While I felt proud of myself that I saw a missing assignment in my son’s grades and reminded him in time, my son looked irritated not grateful. My advice on study techniques was perceived as criticism. I worried when I saw he was spending so much time on video games instead of going to bed on time. I did not understand what I was doing wrong.
One day after a heated argument my son declared that I needed to stop worrying about him and preventing him from making mistakes. “LET ME FAIL” is what he said. I took that to heart. It was hard though. As a mother, my every instinct is to protect my child from hurting himself. But what helped me was realizing I could not help him or protect him forever. I was not going to follow him to college. Or to his first job Or on a first date so why not stop protecting him now.
I reminded myself that I had raised a good son who had all the qualities to be happy and successful. I knew he would do well in life no matter what path he took. I had to hold myself back and let him take charge. Now when I praised him for a good test score, a well-run extracurricular club, a research project I was praising him and him alone. Not myself. I stopped telling him what to do or how to do it. I stopped worrying about him and that made all the difference.
I am still not perfect at taking my own advice. I still worry, get over-involved and give unwanted advice. But all the times I do not — I am rewarded handsomely. I feel joy in seeing his confidence grow, his personality blossom and I know he will be fine!
